Going on Inside

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Time is due for giving back the dues
Oh right wing Banker, a demand
Of summons upon reasonable doubt
The clerical medic flew offshore slides
The disappearing act with rubber gloves

Sanitised or satinised still dirty filth
That matter, always matter to talk
To talk some sense of reason, meet Frank
A Bruno of brutal words that pass

Slow it is not in seeing of sight
The hand to fist upon action
Clenched, holding bills from birth
Passed down in the folds of matter
Greasing the palm with flattery

Just a finger to raise with point
The middle one with courtesy
Up in the air for displays
To see which way wind blows
Testing direction of sense

Can it follow the logic?

tHE

A visit to Oxford University

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A break from chasing global corruption and scientific horror stories, time for a trip down memory lane. My teenage years were spent growing up in Surrey, the white middle-class suburbs of not much happening. Perfect is you love horse riding, Barbour jackets, pub rock bands covering an ear bleeding version of Eric Clapton and donna kebab fights (always the salad, never the meat thrown?). If really fortunate you could even get a taxi to the worst night club in the world, buy a shot for £5, witness lunatic girls crying over men in the toilet,  then bust some moves to ‘It’s raining men’, ‘I will survive’, or Womack & Womack ‘Teardrops’. Followed by strange ‘follow on’ party invites,  whilst waiting for a taxi home. …Ah happy memories. Within this domestic dwelling, there was a friendship made at school with a girl who lived down my road, she became one of my best friends. She, a refined scholar of the classic arts, me a socio-political spectator of all times, she Oxford material, me more pub landlord debate (taxi driver philosophy – truly more reliable than media).

Anyway, skipping on, as I entertain myself, we shared many interests in common, from entirely different perspectives, yet many of our views agreed at points. She was probably one of my most interesting friends. At 18 I went to a small university in Bath, because I liked the place, she went to Oxford because she was Oxford material. One weekend I went visit her in halls of residence, it was quite an experience. I met all her new friends, within 1 minute I knew I was going to be a social embarrasment. It was like visiting Hogwarts, only sterile, the architecture beautiful, but the atmosphere? Pompous is an understatement, delusion swelled up through the floor boards and seemed to contaminate the oxygen in the room. I was left gasping for some common sense and frankness. The pressure to be intellectual was greater than showing any unique intelligence. The bigger the words, the more nodding of heads. Rather than talk, I decided to observe this unique situation. As someone was talking a “yes, yes, you are so right”, kept being repeated, along with head nodding. It went on like this….

After this was over we went to a quaint pub with an open fire and a warm vibe for dinner, just me and my friend. Looking at my friend’s wrist, there was a large mark that looked like a recent burn. I enquired as to how she got it, “stress” she replied, she had been scratching her wrist in stress because of her workload and managed to infect it.  Looking at my reaction she said, “don’t”. I said “that’s the price for keeping up with the Joneses, is it worth it?” She never replied to that, instead we changed the subject and went on a tour of Oxford. Amazing place historically to view. But I’m thinking about Oxford university and I have a criticism, it institutionalises students to believe they are intellectual over inspiring with insane intelligence. Insane intelligence comes from addicts of their craft, their passion oozes out and pulls people in to learn. People can’t wait to be around them to study, they enjoy the work they set to challenge them, even put in extra work to impress. They don’t scratch their wrists in stress, they expand in enthusiasm. I wonder about this iconic reputation in outstanding education, seems like a brochure experience to me. Very much I like the building, it’s missing all the learning blocks of atmosphere though. The atmosphere is the learning experience.

Western Philosophy Edited

lightbulb
Lectured in logic to read emotion
Settle down in reason, the class
Control in numbers under time
Clock watcher obey, for pass.

Vernacular of spectacular speech
Director of compass, it stands
Founder of sentimental treason
Ruler of broken ties, on hands.

Dweller in the twilight of saga
Misty for mottled, the moth
Circling lights with filaments
Tungsten or wolfram, on froth.

Howling at moons in genius
Evil is deception, the eye
Carpenters of trade in power
Tools that channel, on spy.

Loneliness created for isolation
Emotional to devalue, a rise
Gases of tears form vapours
Clear of clutter, on disguise.

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Seeing to Compare

comparisons
Hey World, I can see you. I can judge and compare difference too, I can even judge myself and compare difference on and to who I am. In fact, I did that for a long time, loyal to the way I was taught to compare myself. To bathe in every inadequacy and imperfection, every difference that wasn’t in the average mold. I was so good at it, I could barely look at myself beyond seeing every difference to compare.  So profoundly good at comparing the differences, something important was missed, I don’t compare to anyone else. When you can observe every minutiae detail as I can at speed, you will see a bible of comparisons to judge yourself by. The reading is always the same, unworthy of any attention.

A self-crucifixion that starts from the first moment of getting up in the morning, seeing any mess, seeing the reflection in the mirror, hearing the tone of the voice, the height, the weight, the shape of the nose, lips, the style of clothes, the hair thickness, the colour….God, does it ever end? The job, the car, the house, the makeup, the earrings, the shoes, the children, the husband or not, the parents, the family, the income, the friends, the faith, the breast size, the rear size, the thigh size, the wrists, the hands, the eyes, the feet, the whiteness, the self righteousness, the confidence, the insecurities, the level, the attitude, the timeliness, the presentation, the sense of humour……is there anything someone hasn’t compared me on or to in my life?

When do I see me, when there is so much to compare me on or to?

I could and have driven myself mad beyond compare, there has been at points nothing in my head but comparisons. The general picture is that I’m not the same as everyone else. Years have passed when I have not seen myself, those were the unconscious or self-conscious points. Horrifying those points are to reflect on, the absorption of comparisons, with the comparisons claiming themselves are beyond compare. In a statement of being overlooked, I could see all that I wasn’t and nothing that I was in existence. Even now that statement of honesty upsets me to see that I wrote it. Twisted, contorted and bent out of all natural form, that was the view of myself, it reflected back. I’ve been untwisting that tangle for a long time. To the point where I can now see myself a bit more clearly, rationally and with sense. “Ignore it” they say, on the comparisons, it’s exhausting ignoring it all. There needed to be a new way to see.

Acceptance, total acceptance is the easiest way to see the self in honesty. Even if it doesn’t feel nice or natural at first, it is a start or step towards accepting truth, not comparisons. This world is really messed up right now, the flow of natural order far removed from what it should be. I don’t compare humans anymore, I judge by my own standards of what is acceptable to me, people can have a problem with that or not. It’s life on my terms, something I created for myself out of nothing. Creating life on my terms has probably been the hardest thing to do. It meant ignoring all comparisons and going beyond what they see.  There is a journey that I’m on every day, it’s getting to know who I am and what I can do or be. I was not taught this, I’m teaching myself what it means to be a human, consciously sharing what I learn in experience. Because I know the world is messed up in forgetting we all have our own paths to create on our terms. We are taught the maps and routes someone else has for us. I reject that way of teaching, something drives me beyond it. It is a will to see and experience more than is on offer, it can be labeled anything, but that is what it is. There is only so much one person can achieve in a day, a month, a year or a lifetime, but if I manage to achieve being me on the whole journey, then my life was on my terms. That is the will of my learning way. It will not relent for anyone in comparison anymore. There is a map there anyone can use if they want life on their terms too, the education comes free of charge. I can’t teach anyone how to be someone they are not.

The NERVE

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The NERVE of endings or beginnings to start, It’s got a nerve as far as I can see. It’s also got a mouth, brain, and heart connected to it all. For some strange reason, I can see beyond all the flesh, muscle or fat, keeping it all in place and stood upright. There in exactly what it is, a skeleton form with parts making it work and parts that can be easily broken. Actually, it is quite weak and vulnerable, in others ways it is strong.

What exactly is it?
It is a matter of life or death in the physical sense. In the conscious sense it goes beyond this way of seeing and thinking about what it truly is. Therefore it is metaphysical.

Get to the point?
Ok, the physical sense of seeing in a material way of life and death bullies the emotional conscious sense out of its conscious experience. The logic of seeing in a material and only physical way tries to blind the individual out of the freedom of experiencing themselves and world beyond physical appearances. It does this so it can experience more physical things coming its way in the conscious world, mainly through money. However, it does profit in other material ways too, that being with many forms of control over all forms of energy. Those energy types vary in the many forms in which they come, logic has an obsession with controlling all forms of energy type. The energy types can be food, oil, emotional energy, ego, water, electricity, nuclear, DNA, love, any kind of input for the output, it will try and control the input from expanding beyond its control. I would like the world to consciously recognise that logic has an emotional problem with control over it. That is all for now, just to consciously recognise it for what it truly is, control over all its energy points, that get to its nerve endings. That will no doubt get on a few people’s nerves, I suggest they get control of themselves. For others, I hope it brings energy freedom.

The Sky Dweller

There to the logic of looking up high
The big eye, looking down from above

To the sea of emotion below
Reigning in on itself, a control out, with focus

Beyond all appearances
It is not high in above, nor below

More the everywhere in everything
The everyhow and every notion or motion
It’s a move
A thought
A whisper
A bang
A thunder
A clap

A WILL
A WAY
A a a a PRESENCE
A knowing
A knowledge
A source
A guide
A reference
A compass
A map
A star
A constellation
A blessing
A curse
A current
A light

It’s an interpretation of …..

E V E R Y T H I N G
there is to know.

Order, Line, Form, Begin

practice

Pen held firm, the line begins
Repeat the practice over
Disciplined in order and control
Repeat the shape til perfect
Stage 1, 2 and 3
Repeat, stop, try again
Master of the form
Practice, practice, practice
Repeat, repeat, repeat,
Stop, look back to the beginning
Measure the distance traveled
How far to go to perfection?
Are you happy yet?
Can you go further?
You’re moving your own boundary
That’s perfection

Obtaining time to make direction

direction
The driver is conscience, the awareness is time,  the need is direction, the time is now for the need to be consciously fulfilled with an answer. It will have to come from beyond to enter within the presence of this time, at a point where we meet in knowing which direction to take. To go beyond in time with sense and some form of order. Does that make sense? If not try going with it for the experience of learning something new, if you like.

The reality of working out direction for the self, the I with the eye of the beholder. Let me study I, the me, the self for this experience to learn within and share also for others to learn. I am in reality a single parent, with 2 children under the age of 12, it is very important that I have direction of where I am going, for I am leading them in life to learn from my example in being. As a single parent, my biggest issue is time, it does not come cheap or easy, I have to make time for the things I consider to be important. At this point in time, I made a decision that the most important thing is to work out my conscious direction in going forward. This decision was made in instinct yesterday, I’ve been hammering my time ever since to get some form of order. It is half term and I negotiated with my mother to have my children for 2 days; so I could buy some more time alone to think and hammer. The deadline is by tomorrow to know my direction for the next 5 to 10 years and work it into existence. No matter what is going on around me or falling apart, that direction will be my total focus in keeping me going somewhere on a track I can navigate around all chaos. There the outline is defined.

So where do I come from and where am I now?
I come from my parents and their experiences and lessons in working out who they are or were. I have a lifetime of observing how they developed working out who they were or became. My mother became a logical special needs teacher, it wasn’t a career she was really passionate about, she wanted to be an author, she has many creative and practical skills she’s developed. My father became an emotional director of common sense in business, he worked in the petrochemical industry and tried to apply ethics. It did to a point drive him mad. His background was in construction and 3D design, he was a very good negotiator in business and common sense. He was passionate about justice and education, sadly he was a bit of a tortured soul when alive. Although with a good sense of humour about life torturing him.

My background is in many variants of the arts, new media, eCommerce, eLearning and project managing technical and creative teams to work well in harmony for the end result. Insights and social awareness is my thing. I’ve ended up here after having children, becoming more conscious and ethical in business, quitting my job, getting divorced and wondering what the hell to do now. After lots of soul searching, metaphysics has become a natural passion and so has education, social systems, emotional freedom, and ethics.

Where can I go in a direction that makes some sense?
Written a lot of poetry in the past 24 hours to work this out, that is my thinking process that works for me. Been for a few drives to random places, walked, read, observed and pondered, made a lot of notes too, which I’ll try to pull into order and logic now.

The direction will be:  directing the teaching opportunities of the variants available for reading and interpreting data with emotional meaning, not numbers or logic.

How will that direction work and be applied to experience?
Being a director of teaching variants in how to see and speak more openly, also to read and interpret data with emotional meaning. The insight and communications are life skills in surviving all times when logic does not apply. There is no argument with logic, just an alternative offered in free education, to address the balance of varied human needs. There is a need, there is a balance that needs to be addressed and catered for intelligently, in these times of survival for emotional needs. Especially when the logic is falling apart socially at all levels and very much affecting people emotionally with their direction in life.

Where will I go now with my new direction?
Now I have my direction figured enough to make a decision of going with it somewhere, it’s a big open goal, the challenge is to make it happen for myself. There will no doubt be lots of failure in finding a route to success, that’s called learning. I practice openly what I share to teach in survival when logic has failed me emotionally. I needed some direction in my life, I now have it and a basis for directing the teaching of it to others. The variants are open in how I will achieve some kind of order to follow this outline of direction. But at least I’ve figured out some sort of sense in which way I am going forwards. There is not much more a person can do right now in such uncertain times.

The argument for & against reasoning

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With good reason, I’ll argue with myself in the for and against of logic and emotion arguing over good sense. This is not a personality disorder, quite rational, in the sequence of thinking for oneself with their own mind. More a demonstration of how the natural process works beyond only logic thinking and teaching. There is something called projection involved, this is the metaphysical part of the being in human. As always, it goes beyond the self and the logic seeing in existence.

Territory, something physically and emotionally fought over in many ways. Land and resources being something fought over at the top level in societies, this logically drills down to a local level of fighting over parking spaces, gardens, fences and where the bin should be placed. Truly thrilling stuff. It gets a bit more varied and interesting on the emotional level, love or territory over people. Men fight a lot throughout history in physical, emotional and intellectual reasoning over territory. Whether it be an idea, a way, a woman, a sporting team, business or general offense. Trust and loyalty is a big topic that men seem to fight over.

Then women, how do they differ in some kind of generalisaton of observations? Women fight a lot over men, again a territorial and emotional thing. Women fight over children a lot, namely in competitiveness of who can produce the most talented child, again an extension of their territory and ability to produce. Women also fight a lot over style, they do not like to have their style copied if they spend a long time working on it being unique. However, they are happy to share tips on their style if they are in control of others accessing it.

My internal fight is with logic and emotion over reading these situations in entirely different ways. I see variation as a part of being human, in expressing itself and growing to learn who and what it is in nature. I see this as a natural process that requires nurturing and quite a lot of freedom and trust in the individual to work out who they are. Logic on the other hand, seems to like drilling sense into the individual to think, act, respond and see the same way as everything else. I see it as oppressive, restrictive, blind, bullying and totalitarian in a subliminal way. Although I understand and comprehend the point of logic, rules, boundaries and guidelines to help form order in chaos with laws.

When it comes to personal territory there is a space I’m very protective of, that being the conscious part of the mind. The conscious territory of my mind does not like logic drilling it with ‘know how’ in how to see sense straight. I see this as a breach of my human cognitive and intellectual property rights, my DNA, personality, speech, expression, style, form, opinions, beliefs, tastes, everything that makes me who I am in nature. Right now I’m projecting my thoughts on this subject beyond who I physically am in presence, what I am sharing and recording is my metaphysical sense. At the same time, I can feel myself growing in who I am designed to be, it’s a really nice process in freedom. It goes beyond me, and I can catch up with who I am becoming in nature because I expanded my reasoning for myself.

The internal argument was to demonstrate to others and myself the point of emotional teaching as equal to logic. Really it is not for or against, it should work in harmony as equal. Can logic see or feel the point of this making good sense?

 

 

To whom it may concern, or not

seeing-in-the-dark
To whom it may concern or not, tis no concern of mine
The concern is of individual meaning to the self, the I
The I, being the eye of the present holder in beliefs
The one seeing through the eye of perspectives.

The processor of the data going in through the eye
To within, where the present being of I stands
To where the I, of the eye, will project out meaning
The I will project out meaning of individual will.

So to I, with my eyes from where I stand in will
My eyes provide the insight to my concerns
I provide the logic with emotion, to my understanding
What’s to teach me in standing over this?

My perception is nature, conscious of my own,
Conscious yours will differ from mine, or another
So from where I stand, that is the observation
To argue over absolute opinions is folly.

The opinion is based on reasonable understanding
It had thought, deep in processing the meaning
To lie to my eyes, with myself in delusion?
There can never be any common sense made.

Common maybe I am, with the eye of commoner
In the middle seeing all classes of mongrel or pedigree
The human element, far removed from mankind
I see Neanderthals parading as homo sapiens.

My concern is the logic of studying the I or eye
When it does not study itself in honest knowing
How can it know or read I, with emotional barriers?
That being the language I speak in without them.

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