Seeing to Compare

Hey World, I can see you. I can judge and compare difference too, I can even judge myself and compare difference on and to who I am. In fact, I did that for a long time, loyal to the way I was taught to compare myself. To bathe in every inadequacy and imperfection, every difference that wasn’t in the average mold. I was so good at it, I could barely look at myself beyond seeing every difference to compare.  So profoundly good at comparing the differences, something important was missed, I don’t compare to anyone else. When you can observe every minutiae detail as I can at speed, you will see a bible of comparisons to judge yourself by. The reading is always the same, unworthy of any attention.

A self-crucifixion that starts from the first moment of getting up in the morning, seeing any mess, seeing the reflection in the mirror, hearing the tone of the voice, the height, the weight, the shape of the nose, lips, the style of clothes, the hair thickness, the colour….God, does it ever end? The job, the car, the house, the makeup, the earrings, the shoes, the children, the husband or not, the parents, the family, the income, the friends, the faith, the breast size, the rear size, the thigh size, the wrists, the hands, the eyes, the feet, the whiteness, the self righteousness, the confidence, the insecurities, the level, the attitude, the timeliness, the presentation, the sense of humour……is there anything someone hasn’t compared me on or to in my life?

When do I see me, when there is so much to compare me on or to?

I could and have driven myself mad beyond compare, there has been at points nothing in my head but comparisons. The general picture is that I’m not the same as everyone else. Years have passed when I have not seen myself, those were the unconscious or self-conscious points. Horrifying those points are to reflect on, the absorption of comparisons, with the comparisons claiming themselves are beyond compare. In a statement of being overlooked, I could see all that I wasn’t and nothing that I was in existence. Even now that statement of honesty upsets me to see that I wrote it. Twisted, contorted and bent out of all natural form, that was the view of myself, it reflected back. I’ve been untwisting that tangle for a long time. To the point where I can now see myself a bit more clearly, rationally and with sense. “Ignore it” they say, on the comparisons, it’s exhausting ignoring it all. There needed to be a new way to see.

Acceptance, total acceptance is the easiest way to see the self in honesty. Even if it doesn’t feel nice or natural at first, it is a start or step towards accepting truth, not comparisons. This world is really messed up right now, the flow of natural order far removed from what it should be. I don’t compare humans anymore, I judge by my own standards of what is acceptable to me, people can have a problem with that or not. It’s life on my terms, something I created for myself out of nothing. Creating life on my terms has probably been the hardest thing to do. It meant ignoring all comparisons and going beyond what they see.  There is a journey that I’m on every day, it’s getting to know who I am and what I can do or be. I was not taught this, I’m teaching myself what it means to be a human, consciously sharing what I learn in experience. Because I know the world is messed up in forgetting we all have our own paths to create on our terms. We are taught the maps and routes someone else has for us. I reject that way of teaching, something drives me beyond it. It is a will to see and experience more than is on offer, it can be labeled anything, but that is what it is. There is only so much one person can achieve in a day, a month, a year or a lifetime, but if I manage to achieve being me on the whole journey, then my life was on my terms. That is the will of my learning way. It will not relent for anyone in comparison anymore. There is a map there anyone can use if they want life on their terms too, the education comes free of charge. I can’t teach anyone how to be someone they are not.


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