Going on Inside

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Time is due for giving back the dues
Oh right wing Banker, a demand
Of summons upon reasonable doubt
The clerical medic flew offshore slides
The disappearing act with rubber gloves

Sanitised or satinised still dirty filth
That matter, always matter to talk
To talk some sense of reason, meet Frank
A Bruno of brutal words that pass

Slow it is not in seeing of sight
The hand to fist upon action
Clenched, holding bills from birth
Passed down in the folds of matter
Greasing the palm with flattery

Just a finger to raise with point
The middle one with courtesy
Up in the air for displays
To see which way wind blows
Testing direction of sense

Can it follow the logic?

tHE

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A visit to Oxford University

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A break from chasing global corruption and scientific horror stories, time for a trip down memory lane. My teenage years were spent growing up in Surrey, the white middle-class suburbs of not much happening. Perfect is you love horse riding, Barbour jackets, pub rock bands covering an ear bleeding version of Eric Clapton and donna kebab fights (always the salad, never the meat thrown?). If really fortunate you could even get a taxi to the worst night club in the world, buy a shot for £5, witness lunatic girls crying over men in the toilet,  then bust some moves to ‘It’s raining men’, ‘I will survive’, or Womack & Womack ‘Teardrops’. Followed by strange ‘follow on’ party invites,  whilst waiting for a taxi home. …Ah happy memories. Within this domestic dwelling, there was a friendship made at school with a girl who lived down my road, she became one of my best friends. She, a refined scholar of the classic arts, me a socio-political spectator of all times, she Oxford material, me more pub landlord debate (taxi driver philosophy – truly more reliable than media).

Anyway, skipping on, as I entertain myself, we shared many interests in common, from entirely different perspectives, yet many of our views agreed at points. She was probably one of my most interesting friends. At 18 I went to a small university in Bath, because I liked the place, she went to Oxford because she was Oxford material. One weekend I went visit her in halls of residence, it was quite an experience. I met all her new friends, within 1 minute I knew I was going to be a social embarrasment. It was like visiting Hogwarts, only sterile, the architecture beautiful, but the atmosphere? Pompous is an understatement, delusion swelled up through the floor boards and seemed to contaminate the oxygen in the room. I was left gasping for some common sense and frankness. The pressure to be intellectual was greater than showing any unique intelligence. The bigger the words, the more nodding of heads. Rather than talk, I decided to observe this unique situation. As someone was talking a “yes, yes, you are so right”, kept being repeated, along with head nodding. It went on like this….

After this was over we went to a quaint pub with an open fire and a warm vibe for dinner, just me and my friend. Looking at my friend’s wrist, there was a large mark that looked like a recent burn. I enquired as to how she got it, “stress” she replied, she had been scratching her wrist in stress because of her workload and managed to infect it.  Looking at my reaction she said, “don’t”. I said “that’s the price for keeping up with the Joneses, is it worth it?” She never replied to that, instead we changed the subject and went on a tour of Oxford. Amazing place historically to view. But I’m thinking about Oxford university and I have a criticism, it institutionalises students to believe they are intellectual over inspiring with insane intelligence. Insane intelligence comes from addicts of their craft, their passion oozes out and pulls people in to learn. People can’t wait to be around them to study, they enjoy the work they set to challenge them, even put in extra work to impress. They don’t scratch their wrists in stress, they expand in enthusiasm. I wonder about this iconic reputation in outstanding education, seems like a brochure experience to me. Very much I like the building, it’s missing all the learning blocks of atmosphere though. The atmosphere is the learning experience.

Physics tennis anyone?

physics-tennis

Make room on court for entry
The Jester found some racket
Turbulence took its swipe
Agitation sprung a step

Turn on the machines
Sports tutor get the tower
Fire the atomic spheres
Crank up for expectation

Let all good games begin
Points earned into trust
Points lost 2 point advantage
Zero points gained in love

Deuce in the expression
Scored by terminal fault
Set match for rematch
The rules have changed

Ping pong removed obstacle
Back and forth the sway
Perforations to all deals
Return on asteroid serve.

asteroid

 

Western Philosophy Edited

lightbulb
Lectured in logic to read emotion
Settle down in reason, the class
Control in numbers under time
Clock watcher obey, for pass.

Vernacular of spectacular speech
Director of compass, it stands
Founder of sentimental treason
Ruler of broken ties, on hands.

Dweller in the twilight of saga
Misty for mottled, the moth
Circling lights with filaments
Tungsten or wolfram, on froth.

Howling at moons in genius
Evil is deception, the eye
Carpenters of trade in power
Tools that channel, on spy.

Loneliness created for isolation
Emotional to devalue, a rise
Gases of tears form vapours
Clear of clutter, on disguise.

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Naivety & Trust

Here again, deeply dissatisfied, could that feeling get any more predictable?  What’s the point of frustration? It only chokes the potential out of seeing any potential ahead. There’s a river that flows, it’s annoying when people throw their junk in it and other’s speak as though the junk is not there floating and getting in the way. If the junk is left it doesn’t clear itself, it’s annoying that other’s have to clear it up when they should be focusing on more important things. Yet the one’s who dumped it are nowhere to be found, they probably profited from dumping it too. Seems to make them smile that they can get away with it and others would be stupid enough to clear it. Oh to be void of having morals, must be an easy life of emptiness.

What do they see in the mirror those people, the one’s void of morals?
I would love to gain some more insight on how they see themselves and the future of this short-cutting. I would also love to find a work-around for avoiding it all, it really gets on my nerves. Who needs them and what use are they to anyone? Just a pain in the rear, hopeless, useless idiots, preaching about how clever they are to have got somewhere faster. Anyone of sense can see these people are buffoons, we tolerate them out of good will and kindness for humanity. Otherwise, we’d take them out of existence with no regard or morals.

What about naivety and trust?
That topic too is also jarring on my nerves, the forever hopefuls of casting a magic spell over someone blatantly playing a game on their naivety and trust. Must I/we/anyone become involved or be affected by the consequences of these play outs?

What is the answer?
I’ve had enough of tolerating, not up for taking people out, nor for being affected by the reverberations of stupidity or naivety. A simple solution would be good, I’d like to get back to having a life beyond pointless disruption celebrating how to profit quickly by trashing everything of value and integrity.  Easier said than done, at every turn is another trying their luck in profiting quickly. This needs more thought.

Slow in Comparison

plate-spinner
As the developed world progresses at the speed of knots, burning through more resources and energy than conceivable, a change occurs. Within that developed world is a person who stopped for a moment to think. That person is me, I know there are more people than me who have stopped to think, but it is hard to see them through all the progress whizzing. It is even harder to connect with them when stopping to think on your own for a while. Because you need to be on your own for a while to stop and think. Best anyone can do is tag their thinking so they may connect through the bustle of progress, whilst nudging slowly forwards themselves. Maybe at a point further forward it will all connect?

There are personal concerns and ideals and there are personal priorities that need addressing every day. In relation to the personal ideals and priorities assigned to the individual, there are also collective concerns, ideals and priorities running parallel to the individual existence. Spinning plates, the metaphor to signify this juggling act of balance. Too many plates to spin is where it all goes wrong in having time to stop and think. Sometimes a person has to take all the plates down and work out a better way to arrange and spin them all again.

Personally, I took all my plates down about four years ago, took a long time to take many down, they were glued under contracts and commitments to the sticks they were spinning on. Some of those plates even had to be forcefully broken to take them down. This is where the thinking comes in, I didn’t think before putting up many of those plates to be spun in my balancing act. Never realised they would be so hard to take down when or if I wished to. What I managed to do was enslave myself to be spinning, with no control over how fast that spinning had to go to keep up with progress. Now I have less plates on my rack to spin, it’s easier to see others spinning theirs, but I’m ready to put a few more plates up. The thinking is about which ones to put up and how easy they would be to take down in the future. Also not to end up enslaved again in the spinning making me unproductive with my time.  Having spent the time to work out my personal concerns and ideals, these are the qualifier for any plate that goes up on the rack.  The approach is to make it a long-term bigger plate, with a thicker stick, rather than dozens of small ones that decrease productivity. This is where I may look slow in comparison, but I’m designing my own plates and sticks.

Seeing to Compare

comparisons
Hey World, I can see you. I can judge and compare difference too, I can even judge myself and compare difference on and to who I am. In fact, I did that for a long time, loyal to the way I was taught to compare myself. To bathe in every inadequacy and imperfection, every difference that wasn’t in the average mold. I was so good at it, I could barely look at myself beyond seeing every difference to compare.  So profoundly good at comparing the differences, something important was missed, I don’t compare to anyone else. When you can observe every minutiae detail as I can at speed, you will see a bible of comparisons to judge yourself by. The reading is always the same, unworthy of any attention.

A self-crucifixion that starts from the first moment of getting up in the morning, seeing any mess, seeing the reflection in the mirror, hearing the tone of the voice, the height, the weight, the shape of the nose, lips, the style of clothes, the hair thickness, the colour….God, does it ever end? The job, the car, the house, the makeup, the earrings, the shoes, the children, the husband or not, the parents, the family, the income, the friends, the faith, the breast size, the rear size, the thigh size, the wrists, the hands, the eyes, the feet, the whiteness, the self righteousness, the confidence, the insecurities, the level, the attitude, the timeliness, the presentation, the sense of humour……is there anything someone hasn’t compared me on or to in my life?

When do I see me, when there is so much to compare me on or to?

I could and have driven myself mad beyond compare, there has been at points nothing in my head but comparisons. The general picture is that I’m not the same as everyone else. Years have passed when I have not seen myself, those were the unconscious or self-conscious points. Horrifying those points are to reflect on, the absorption of comparisons, with the comparisons claiming themselves are beyond compare. In a statement of being overlooked, I could see all that I wasn’t and nothing that I was in existence. Even now that statement of honesty upsets me to see that I wrote it. Twisted, contorted and bent out of all natural form, that was the view of myself, it reflected back. I’ve been untwisting that tangle for a long time. To the point where I can now see myself a bit more clearly, rationally and with sense. “Ignore it” they say, on the comparisons, it’s exhausting ignoring it all. There needed to be a new way to see.

Acceptance, total acceptance is the easiest way to see the self in honesty. Even if it doesn’t feel nice or natural at first, it is a start or step towards accepting truth, not comparisons. This world is really messed up right now, the flow of natural order far removed from what it should be. I don’t compare humans anymore, I judge by my own standards of what is acceptable to me, people can have a problem with that or not. It’s life on my terms, something I created for myself out of nothing. Creating life on my terms has probably been the hardest thing to do. It meant ignoring all comparisons and going beyond what they see.  There is a journey that I’m on every day, it’s getting to know who I am and what I can do or be. I was not taught this, I’m teaching myself what it means to be a human, consciously sharing what I learn in experience. Because I know the world is messed up in forgetting we all have our own paths to create on our terms. We are taught the maps and routes someone else has for us. I reject that way of teaching, something drives me beyond it. It is a will to see and experience more than is on offer, it can be labeled anything, but that is what it is. There is only so much one person can achieve in a day, a month, a year or a lifetime, but if I manage to achieve being me on the whole journey, then my life was on my terms. That is the will of my learning way. It will not relent for anyone in comparison anymore. There is a map there anyone can use if they want life on their terms too, the education comes free of charge. I can’t teach anyone how to be someone they are not.