(Reading time 4 mins)
It’s there, it’s happening, that point everyone gets to with aging parents, trying to reason sense with them on how the world and ideology changed. Time-consuming and emotionally draining, when there is little time or emotion to spare when already under pressure to keep up with life. There is also the understanding that they become lonely, vulnerable and need someone to listen to in this new phase of their existence.
The dirty reality is there simply isn’t enough time or money to give them all they need. I have to say they didn’t plan well when younger, they didn’t see the times of today coming for their children. Instead, they argue with the children on why things are failing, it only leads to more upset and wasted time.
Presently I’m debating with my mother over her health, vulnerability, financial security, cognitive reasoning, social awareness and independence. It is most unpleasant and uncomfortable, she feels I’m taking over her freedom, I can see she’s a sitting target for someone to con her out of her wits. My honesty is only backfiring into skepticism without my father being around anymore to convince her. He too always struggled to get her to see business sense, when she has never worked in business.
It does not help that my life choices are very different from her own and so is my personal ideology on how to live, spend money and raise children. Firstly she does not believe in divorce, I’m divorced raising children. Secondly, she doesn’t believe in women working in business…..I’ve always worked in business. It goes on and on…she was a teacher, I don’t rate standard education as being particularly high. Mainly because I know she never read many books outside of the standard curriculum and socially never really mixed with many other cultures. My children are interracial British, Irish & Asian, 2nd generation in mixed culture, their father is 1st generation interracial. I am mixed British culture of Irish, English, Scottish & Welsh, caught in the clash of how things should work.
Putting all culture and ideology aside, she is my mother with needs that she can’t be realistic about. The romantic idea of being independent is a fallacy, she’s draining me in ways that cost more than money. Today I have planned a meeting with her to talk about solving these issues with a plan of action. She will feel like I’m bullying her, she will no doubt talk to the family about this, but where is the rest of the family in helping her daily? I have a family of my own to raise. Where is the system in supporting her? Telling her it’s in crisis. Where is she in helping me? Informing me of the crisis, that the elder family support her independence of freedom and I should be helping out of loyalty.
Where is my goverment? Informing me of everything failing and more toleration is needed. I’ve decided to detach from emotion and give my mum only a few choices, to bully her into a decision. If the choices fail, based on me leading them, I will accept responsibility, but someone needs to take action outside of emotion being drained. I accept I can’t make ends meet when everyone is living in crisis and pretending it will solve itself. The penalty is judgment, yet the test of the verdict is time. I have to judge myself on my own abilities to read judgment over time, I see my mum is vulnerable to see what she is capable of doing alone. It’s not comfortable, but then there is the business of living comfortably and with reduced risk.